July 2

lanuage vs life

I've been thinking about this question a ton. I havent' read any philosophers or any chomsky or singer or plato or descartes or hume or kant or nietzche, because they are literally just dudes just like me. Actually they are probably a little bit more insane than i am tbh because they dedicated their entire life to this shit and wrote tons of books full of ramblings and other bullshit. Anyway, in today's essay I'm going to be answering most of the deep, behind the scenes, unconscious questions and thought processes that rule your life. And I don't need any scientific method, i don't need a hypothesis (i'll touch on that later), I don't need any studies published in a top 5 journal, or any scientific consensus from decorated and famous individuals; all i need (and all you need for you to realize what i'm saying is some real shit) is to be aware of my own mind and to be observant. I think a lot of what I say is true, to the extent that I can transmit my meaning to your mind through these words, and I hope that, if I am successful, you will feel that my words are true. I'm not trying to be a preacher or a prophet, or some other whackjob, I'm not trying to sell you something (unfortuanately that's what someone trying to sell you something would say!!(maybe my essays fall under the umbrella of art more than science (and well get to science later) (after all this is why this page is called ramblings))

Anyway, i think that all words are metaphors, and that language is perhaps one of the worst ways of communicating of all time. Rude scribblings made by a schizophrenic madman are often worth a thousand words, if not more; they are worth a lifetime of mental illness, of a thousand days of suffering, of a thousands books of the most famous literature. They are worth the majority of a human lifetime. But why are you using words then dude, shouldn't you be making some shitty short film or some photo album or some shit like that? Don't worry dude, I'll do that later, but typing this on my computer is way easier and also takes down these ideas i'm having in this moment of lucidity and composure to reference later when I'm creating my multimedia art so don't worry dude just have some patience, after all, I'll probably live to like 77 so we got another half century, ill live like 3-4 times longer than I already have. Anyway, everyone's always telling you what to do and what to think and how to feel and I'm done with all that bullshit fr. like you don't know me dawg. advice is for anxious clowns who trust other humans too much and don't open their eyes. If you think that you can help people because of your superior wisdom, you're a child. this is older child to younger child behavior. and unfortunately, we are mostly separated from the people we grew up with, due to many outside forces, but i feel like this event is extremely traumatic. the worst thing that ever happened to me, worse than mj addiction, worse than nic addiction, worse than alc addiction, worse than screen addiction, worse than debt slavery, worse than porn addiction, is moving when i was 11. That event really is titular for me, it holds more emotional and psychological weight that anything else, in fact, i think all the substance and screen addictions are to cope with the trauma of moving when i was 11. this was so traumatic for me because basically everyone i knew died (to me). I couldn't see my friends, the habits of my family changed, my house was different; in fact my house still seems alien and new and unfriendly to me. I've literally lived there longer than the house i first remember and yet it is still the 'new' house; the alien planet. and yet i still cannot communicate this feeling, this experience, this fallout to you; unless you've experienced the same thing and speak english in the same way that I do. And obviously this is a big problem, and I think the main problem in most arguments and differences of opinion. and people are much too afraid or blindsided or unfocused to focus on the actually problems, the 'roots' yk, and everyone is hacking at branches, that admittedly can be thicker than other poeple's twigs, which is a step forward, but there are a fuck ton of branches, and everyone is a leaf. but one of my favorite things is metaphors, because they are a structure, a picture that can house many many meanings. i think that is the compelling part of it. just like a face is a metaphor, and everyone has a different face. there can also be metaphors in time, not just spacial geometry. a story is a metaphor, a life is a metaphor, these are patterns or structures or shapes or containers that you can match to all sorts of different shapes. it's like that game Set. imagine you are a card in set. you can have one two or three shapes, you can have a solid filling, a striped filling, or a white filling, and you can be a color. but you always are different in some way, but the same in some way, with most other cards. There is no way to organize the cards so that all cards on one side are all different from all the cards on the other side, and that is because they all exist in one set, which is the set of cards that are in the box. this is a metaphor for humans. we are all cards.

But yeah anways you can scale the number of these characteristics infinitely. you can imagine a set of cards that has the number of objects scaling to infinity, the number of patterns of the filling scaling to infinity, the number of colors scaling to infinity. obviously it would be difficult to see the differences between large, even infinite numbers of cards. like identical twins (except they have different names and exist in different spaces and ingest different food and sleep in different beds and have different bodies (the list goes on for observable infinity)).

This essay was inspired by two or three pieces of media and some more general context of 2025 as a 22 yr old in virginia. one was a video that said that all trannies were porn addicts from a young age, another was the amazing movie Fallen Angels, and the other was I Saw the TV Glow. Now, maybe there is a connection between porn and transgender people, but lemme dispute the argument quickly. first of all, haven't most gen z been exposed to porn since youth; what makes trans different from everyone else. also casting a bad light on them by lumping them in with something distasteful. (maybe ill rant about addictions and 'ideal' bodies and lives later). althoug maybe that is the whole point. there is not platonic ideal about anything. or more better; there isn't something that anything should be judged by. or more differently, differences between any two things should not be judged as 'better' or 'worse' (and that isn't just because those words basically have no meaning). when you try to optimize your life for something hard enough like i have, you kind of realize that your ideal is ever changing, vaporous, and surreal. you cannot embody an ideal, for an ideal is not a noun; a derivative; it is a function, like everything else. it changes over time, and with perspective, and most ideals definitionallhy cannot be reached. you are not insecure about your nose and wish it was different; there is no 'nose you'd rather have' there is just the desire to change what is there. there is no 'gender dysphoria' or 'ideal body shape' there is just the desire to be loved by people.

June 30

I love my cats!

June 26

I was thinking about the way that people react to their needs and how they percieve them. I think what most people need nowadays is love and acceptance. Eveybody always focuses on material things, mostly because that's the easiest and most impersonal, especially with the scale of institutions these days andin this country, but people don't always act based on some sort of purely physical self interest, they mostly rely on their feelings. All you need is love.

I feel like most people's problem is that they don't know how to love; they don't know how to be loved, or express their love for the people they love. This is a huge problem in society because it totally distorts the goals and ambitions and orientation of society. Religions turn you schizo because they promise a feeling of love from some sort of (un)knowable universe mind person named God, who has unending love for you. And all you gotta do is condition yourself into being crazy enough to hear him talk back. Or maybe they have it right and through effort will and focus you can cause certain feelings to happen in your mind basically on command. That sounds like an extremely useful and powerful ability to have in this world. Another thing that happens when you don't feel loved is that you think that it's because you're not good enough. the capitalists pick up on this and then market products as solutions to this, which contributes more generally to a desire for more income. The people who love you don't express it in the way you would like, so you need to make yourself more attractive to them, more useful or something else that will get them to notice you and like you. People will also seek out power, to force people to love them, by looking for powerful positions in their company or leadership in societal institutions, or train for stronger muscles. All of these forces swirl together in the perfect way to create the modern american economy, an economy filled with unhappy people who cannot see their own problems and are diverted into using that effort to increase shareholder value. The capitalists don't need to invent a humanoid AI robot to replace human workers, they've already robbed us of our humanity and turned our bodies into robots.

I wonder if this analogy is at all scalable. I wonder if certain cells feel underappreciated or let down by the system and think its unfair that certain other cells get more nutrients and are allowed to reproduce more often, or if a skin cell is jealous of a bone cell because he wants his job, or if cells with short lifespans get existential about their existence. does a mind need to be a network of neurons? or does each neuron have a mind of its own? is a human society analogous to a human brain in any way? does a human society have a natural form or can we decide how to organize it ourselves. will we always decide to build it the same way? or do we unconsciously organize ourselves like how we unconsciously organize our cells?